Have you ever wanted some one out of your life so bad you would do anything erase the memories of them completely? I certainly have. Especially right now. Life would be so much easier and I wouldn't be so fucked up in the head. Even if I could only erase some memories I'd erase all the good ones, that way when I look back I wouldn't have memories to miss, only ones to make me think 'What the hell was I thinking being with this person?'
I would to take back a lot of what I've said, sure. If I could go back now, I would have never said a single word to this person after it was over and just tried my hardest to move on. But deleting their number, blocking them and every single one of their friends on every website I have just so I wouldn't be tempted to try to talk to this person still doesn't help. There's always the yearning that never leaves.
I've come to a final conclusion tonight. I don't love him anymore. I love who he used to be, but I despise who he is now. Who he is now is worthless to my world and anyone that is important in it. I've lost all hope that I ever had of him turning around and being that sweet person who he once was. The devil has gotten the best of him this time and he's tightening the chain more and more.
Don't open you heart up to just any old person, make sure they fit you to your standards. I'm making a vow to myself that I will not let myself fall in love with someone again unless they meet this criteria:
- not too big on partying
- doesn't do drugs
- Christian/believes in God/has the potential to believe, just needs some one to help guide them
- has a career or great interest in the music field (considering thats what I'll be doing with my life.)
- will treat me like his partner, not his play thing
- can respect a woman with a full figure
- will learn to love every part of me, including my flaws
- will share his thoughts and feelings with me because he actually wants to
- my parents approve of him/he gets along with my parents
- has a life plan set up ahead of them and will be able to support me financially if its needed
- will treat me like the princess that I am and compliment me just to make me smile
- and mostly of all, will be able to patch up the broken pieces of my heart and mind and be able to handle the times when I fall apart and sew the pieces back together again
I will settle for nothing less than those things. Otherwise, if I meet someone that I click with I will be very carefully to protect my heart from getting put in the hands of someone who doesn't meet these standards. The last piece is most important though. I will always have love for the first person I fell in love with, thats never going to change and I want them to understand that I can't give them 100% of my heart. It would be preferred that they were in the same situation so it would seem more fair that way. This is what I need. And honestly, I don't see this person coming into my life anytime soon. Maybe 4 or 5 years from now and I'm trying to accept that fact. Its hard, knowing I'll have to continue waiting, like before I met him, but the best things come with time.
Sure I would love to find someone now to have fun with, to call my 'boyfriend' but I'm not looking for something serious. I just want fun and affection. I would kill for that now. But I think everyone needs some one to hold them and tell them it'll be okay.
I hate that it took all this to make me realize how many people I do have in my life who care about me enough, and some even that I don't see anymore that I miss so much I could cry. I want to make time for all my friends. Friends. Thats what I need most right now. Friends that will be my shoulder to cry on. Friends who will be willing to listen to me bitch about this even though its been almost 2 months and it still feels like yesterday that my heart was torn to pieces.
I feel like I've come a long way though, in the past two months. I feel stronger, I feel like I know what I want and won't settle for less. But part of me also feels helpless, and scared that I'll end up like one of those women in their 30's who had their shot at love and it was lost so now they're broken and defeated and have to settle or live their life along. I refuse to settle. I want the best of what I think is the best. What I deserve.
As for now I'm trying to spark up an old flame that never completely left. I'm trying to rekindle my romance with music. I'm ready to create and continuing singing and express the love we have for each other. I'm so ready for college to start so that I can learn and produce and make something beautiful. Make love to music, as it gently sings back to me.
I will never be the same, but I'll be stronger, wiser and more careful. I'll stick to my morals and beliefs and try each day to never let a little thought of the person who broke me down to the point of trying to end my own life ruin every bit of happiness I've built up. I've got my friends, my family, and my future to hold on to and embrace. Things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better...