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About Deviant BeckyFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 10 Years
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Statistics 288 Deviations 1,948 Comments 11,053 Pageviews

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Deviant ID August 2010 by beckyCHOKE Deviant ID August 2010 :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 4 New Years Day VI by beckyCHOKE New Years Day VI :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 1 0 New Years Day V by beckyCHOKE New Years Day V :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0 New Years Day IV by beckyCHOKE New Years Day IV :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0 New Years Day III by beckyCHOKE New Years Day III :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 2 New Years Day II by beckyCHOKE New Years Day II :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0 New Years Day I by beckyCHOKE New Years Day I :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0
I admit it, I'm a wreck.
I'm a mess that desperately needs the attention of the cleaning supplies from that little corner closet of your heart.
You've broken me, fixed me and broke me again one too many times.
But there's still part of me that knows you're the one.
What changed?
Why have I slipped down your ladder of priorities?
Why don't you talk to me?
Your conversation is my medicine.
What made you decide to stop telling me you loved me?
Once every couple days isn't enough for me.
I thrive off of your affection.
I breathe for your attention.
Without you I am nothing.
But still, somehow I know you're still the one.
It's funny how the first kind smile and intriguing personality can grab your heart when the one you crave it from is giving you endless withdrawals.
He makes me laugh, he makes me smile.
But you're the one with full control of me.
You could kill me if you wanted.
Just snap your fingers and I'm done.
I'd rather die by your hand than live life trying to 'make it work' with a
:iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 6
Lady Solo and Becky by beckyCHOKE Lady Solo and Becky :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 2 4 Ryan Jackson and PsychoBecky by beckyCHOKE Ryan Jackson and PsychoBecky :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0 Maja and Mara by beckyCHOKE Maja and Mara :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 3 7 Becky and Maja Ivarsson by beckyCHOKE Becky and Maja Ivarsson :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 1 8 Sonny and Becky Take Two by beckyCHOKE Sonny and Becky Take Two :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0 Sonny and Becky Take One by beckyCHOKE Sonny and Becky Take One :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0 Endless Hallway IX by beckyCHOKE Endless Hallway IX :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0 Endless Hallway VIII by beckyCHOKE Endless Hallway VIII :iconbeckychoke:beckyCHOKE 0 0

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  • Reading: Sex and the City 2 (the book)
Have you ever wanted some one out of your life so bad you would do anything erase the memories of them completely? I certainly have. Especially right now. Life would be so much easier and I wouldn't be so fucked up in the head. Even if I could only erase some memories I'd erase all the good ones, that way when I look back I wouldn't have memories to miss, only ones to make me think 'What the hell was I thinking being with this person?'

I would to take back a lot of what I've said, sure. If I could go back now, I would have never said a single word to this person after it was over and just tried my hardest to move on. But deleting their number, blocking them and every single one of their friends on every website I have just so I wouldn't be tempted to try to talk to this person still doesn't help. There's always the yearning that never leaves.

I've come to a final conclusion tonight. I don't love him anymore. I love who he used to be, but I despise who he is now. Who he is now is worthless to my world and anyone that is important in it. I've lost all hope that I ever had of him turning around and being that sweet person who he once was. The devil has gotten the best of him this time and he's tightening the chain more and more.

Don't open you heart up to just any old person, make sure they fit you to your standards. I'm making a vow to myself that I will not let myself fall in love with someone again unless they meet this criteria:
- non-smoker
- not too big on partying
- non-alcoholic
- doesn't do drugs
- Christian/believes in God/has the potential to believe, just needs some one to help guide them
- has a career or great interest in the music field (considering thats what I'll be doing with my life.)
- will treat me like his partner, not his play thing
- can respect a woman with a full figure
- will learn to love every part of me, including my flaws
- will share his thoughts and feelings with me because he actually wants to
- my parents approve of him/he gets along with my parents
- has a life plan set up ahead of them and will be able to support me financially if its needed
- will treat me like the princess that I am and compliment me just to make me smile
- and mostly of all, will be able to patch up the broken pieces of my heart and mind and be able to handle the times when I fall apart and sew the pieces back together again

I will settle for nothing less than those things. Otherwise, if I meet someone that I click with I will be very carefully to protect my heart from getting put in the hands of someone who doesn't meet these standards. The last piece is most important though. I will always have love for the first person I fell in love with, thats never going to change and I want them to understand that I can't give them 100% of my heart. It would be preferred that they were in the same situation so it would seem more fair that way. This is what I need. And honestly, I don't see this person coming into my life anytime soon. Maybe 4 or 5 years from now and I'm trying to accept that fact. Its hard, knowing I'll have to continue waiting, like before I met him, but the best things come with time.

Sure I would love to find someone now to have fun with, to call my 'boyfriend' but I'm not looking for something serious. I just want fun and affection. I would kill for that now. But I think everyone needs some one to hold them and tell them it'll be okay.

I hate that it took all this to make me realize how many people I do have in my life who care about me enough, and some even that I don't see anymore that I miss so much I could cry. I want to make time for all my friends. Friends. Thats what I need most right now. Friends that will be my shoulder to cry on. Friends who will be willing to listen to me bitch about this even though its been almost 2 months and it still feels like yesterday that my heart was torn to pieces.

I feel like I've come a long way though, in the past two months. I feel stronger, I feel like I know what I want and won't settle for less. But part of me also feels helpless, and scared that I'll end up like one of those women in their 30's who had their shot at love and it was lost so now they're broken and defeated and have to settle or live their life along. I refuse to settle. I want the best of what I think is the best. What I deserve.

As for now I'm trying to spark up an old flame that never completely left. I'm trying to rekindle my romance with music. I'm ready to create and continuing singing and express the love we have for each other. I'm so ready for college to start so that I can learn and produce and make something beautiful. Make love to music, as it gently sings back to me.

I will never be the same, but I'll be stronger, wiser and more careful. I'll stick to my morals and beliefs and try each day to never let a little thought of the person who broke me down to the point of trying to end my own life ruin every bit of happiness I've built up. I've got my friends, my family, and my future to hold on to and embrace. Things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better...


beckyCHOKE's Profile Picture
United States
I love body mods, I currently have 5 tattoos, my septum, lip and belly button pierced and my ears are stretch to 5/8". I love fashion and getting dolled up. You'll almost always catch me in a dress when I'm not at work. Its safe to say I'm a bit girly. But that doesn't mean I'm not opposed sitting around a camp fire and throwing back a few beers (Corona preferably :P) and bsing with friends. I love meeting new people and seeing new places and I want to meet someone to see all these places with. :)


Add a Comment:
Mario-Dicatalan Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010   Interface Designer
Happy B-Day! Enjoy!
beckyCHOKE Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010
Thank you!!
HavokMonroe Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy birthday! :party:
beckyCHOKE Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010
Thank you sweetie!
HavokMonroe Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome!
KjHunter Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2009
thank you so much for the fav :)
bistin Featured By Owner May 28, 2009
I also wanted to say thank you so much for the favorite. It's great being favorited from someone new. :D
beckyCHOKE Featured By Owner May 29, 2009
No problem. :]
You have a really cute gallery!
bistin Featured By Owner May 30, 2009
<33 thank you! :D
davidfallu Featured By Owner May 6, 2009  Professional Photographer
Thanks for the fav!
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